The Fishbowl

(a few scribbles from my journal...)


I have a love/hate relationship with my fishbowl life...Mostly because the people all around the glass are watching for one wrong turn to make themselves look good and to make the fish look ridiculous.

The glass between me and them is thick.  So thick, in fact, that I don't really have anyone who gets it.  By the time I find a compassionate, genuine, loyal looking face and we find a way to communicate through the glass, the bowl is picked up and moved to another room where a brand new set of faces and pairs of foreign eyes await.

At first, I hate it...then I start to observe the customs of the people and the ways they live.  It's hard, but I remember how "WORTH IT" it is to step up and out even when it seems absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.

Years go by and I finally think I may have found a trustworthy face...
I attempt to reach through the glass to their compassionate heart, but something happens and they are pushed away.  I don't fully understand WHY, but I do know that it's probably RIGHT for both of us.

The cycle repeats itself for years and every time the fishbowl is plopped down in a new room, everyone exclaims over the beauty of the fish, all the adventures it's been on, and all the friends it has...That's as far as it goes.
They turn back to their world and hardly ever glance back at the lonely fish attempting to refrain from drowning in the tears of struggle and lack of confidence.

The fish they see seems to know how to communicate through the glass to a wide variety of people, has a pretty cool life, and has gifts and talents of different kinds...or so they say.

But...in reality, this fish doesn't know where she belongs or understands what talents these people are talking about.  They say she's cool, but why then do they live like she doesn't even exist any more?  How can they say she has value when they don't seem to want to stick around...?

People come and go...ALL THE TIME...and the little girl behind the pen struggles to find value in her life.  It's not that she doubts Jesus and the value He has given her, and yet, she does...because so many struggles and so much pain has been a result of her choices...not to mention those people who experienced pain because she walked into their lives...
...then there are those people that are her friends for a couple months before they leave her alone...

"If they don't want to be my friend, it's because of WHO I am  or WHAT I've done," she tells herself.
"The reason you don't have any friends, outside of your family, who have been there all your life is because you aren't enough."

"Yes, you've moved over and over, but obviously you don't have enough good for people to really 'want you' in their lives all the time."

"The reason you are currently wiping tears from your eyes is because this struggle is real and you believe it's all your fault."

It's not that I doubt reality.  Nor do I think God isn't present...because I have undoubtedly felt His love in very real ways...but because I've struggled to find confidence in myself my whole life, I've allowed the lie "It's Your Fault" to take root and grow.  Honestly, it's embarrassing.  I hate it.  It's not something I'm one bit proud of.  But it is too late to eliminate this from my life story.  It isn't too late, however, to grab the roots and pull the entire weed out.  It's time to fill that deep whole with the TRUTH that JESUS IS ENOUGH + HE IS MY FATHER.

It's time to allow Him to be  M Y   P R O V I D E R.

Even when the fishbowl is sparkly clean and all those pairs of eyes are starring, I have to allow my Provider to really provide all that I need...it's hard...but the rewards are so much greater than the pain...

||  I highly recommend you listen to this song.  ||