Dear Journal...

The lack of sun + gray sky seemed to fit the mood for today.  It's as though someone set the stage for the act + I even had the ability to step into the role very clearly...almost too well for my liking; but then again, that's what good actors do.

To be honest, I have no adequate words for such a time as this.
Only sharp pains + sickening feelings.
Tears + a lack of understandable words...
There's nothing that really describes the pain of leaving your home...your life...
what you've known since you were eleven.
Attempting to share with someone who really has no idea what it's like is, at times, overwhelming...because so many people think I should be excited to "go home."
Truth + Reality both state that I'm not going home.  I'm moving to a new place.  Sure, I've been there before...but only temporarily.  It doesn't have ties to my childhood + a culture I really understand. 
(I'm sorry if that's odd to you, but it's just the way it is...)

Big Mennonite communities scare me,
America is a place we visit for Christmas some years.
Motorcycles are driven on a daily basis out of necessity.
Foreign words + switching languages is a part of every day life.
And love is a random act of kindness for someone because I've been given a love I'll never fully grasp.  That's life!

Continual images of pulling away from our house for the last time + taking those heavy bags through security with a blurred vision due to countless tears streaming down my face flood my mind almost daily.  A flood that makes it hard to breathe.

It just doesn't sink in.  There's no way I'm leaving Thailand for good.  There has to be a ticket back somewhere...

Currently it seems impossible to wrap my mind around any of this...
Even with walls looking bare and a countdown haunting my "To Do" list.

But one thing I do know...
He leads us through beautiful, green fields + through raging, rough waters.
And through all the ups and downs, struggles + tears...He calls me His.  No matter how much I struggle or how much I don't understand.  He says I'm valuable.  There's a plan greater than me.  My worth is in Him.  I am His Daughter...Priceless.