October 1, 2014
Journal Entry:
“How
are you doing?” seems to be the popular question these days. To be honest, I have found it hard to answer…I
mean, as small of a question as it seems, I really don’t think I am quite
capable of honestly answering correctly. Every day holds a new set of emotions, but
usually they all contain one similarity.
i
n d e s c r i b a b l e
It’s
as if I long for home.
But
when I stop and think about home, I don’t know where it is.
I
look at pictures & watch video clips from this past year.
But
then my eyes fill with tears as I recall the memories made.
Yes. I miss America.
But
if I were informed of a move back from Thailand, I would have a meltdown. Honest & Truly.
My
mind races through every detail of every situation that took place in Grenada
during my childhood and this past fall.
Once again this overwhelming feeling floods my soul.
“How
to describe it?” is the question that daily boggles my mind.
There
are no words really.
Each
day is an up or down & I can’t warn myself of what the day may be.
Life
truly has been a rollercoaster for the past several months.
I
open my Bible & before my eyes is my favorite passage.
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most
High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in
whom I trust.” {Psalm 91:1-2 NIV}
The
five dollar bill marking the place of the chapter reminds me of
redemption. The thought of God using
insignificant people for His glory. The
night I fought for selfish desires & in the end, when He won, I had the
privilege of praying with a dear friend….seeing her become a daughter of the
King was entirely worth everything. The
fact that He allowed me to have the privilege when I didn’t have any desire to
be there at the moment blows me away.
Why didn’t He give that opportunity to someone else?? Why me of all the beautiful people in the
world??
“Child, you are Mine & I love you more
than you will ever know or understand.
Just trust Me & I will carry you.”
He
really does beat all.
In
the end, He is the One who understands me most.
He is the One who will always
& forever be my Leader. He won’t
come in and out of my life. There’s no ‘hellos’
& ‘goodbyes.’
I
don’t have to explain anything to Him.
He already knows.
My
past doesn’t have to be brought up to remind Him why I am the way I am today.
He
understands me better than any other TCK ever will.
He
knows my past, present, & future. On
Him I can fully rely.
So
tonight, as I lay my head on my pillow, I can have the indescribable feelings,
but that’s ok. There is One who knows
& to Him I will run.
[Love
to all]
<3
Thanks for those thoughts. Strangely enough, I often have those same feelings. Feelings of being "displaced" and wondering where home really is! But I'm so thankful that where ever we are, our safest place to be is "resting in Him".
ReplyDeleteWell said RaVonne!
ReplyDeleteHey Ravonne, I came across your blog tonight, and I could well connect with what you wrote about not knowing where your home is. They say home is where the heart is, but where is my heart? I miss my family and my home almost all the time, and wish so much I could drop in at random times, yet if i would leave Thailand, I would feel quite lost at home. And then we also sometimes get homesick for our real home, and I think that's where our homesickness here on earth stems from..... Love your ability to struggle well. Lori H.
ReplyDelete