I long to
feel like I belong. To have a place
where I fit in and I’m needed. Switching
countries or states is not an event that is conducive to that particular
feeling. Your roots are continually
pulled out of the ground and replanted in multiple places. It takes time to connect and go deep with
people. So the feeling of being needed seems
rather scarce, honestly.
The thought
that has been racing through my mind the past week is: As a Christian I tend to search for my place
of belonging in a ‘safe’ place…in a group of Believers like myself. It often dives into an even smaller circle than
that though. We like to stick within our
own people group or denomination. There
are definitely pros to that, but I also see a weakness in my life.
Growing up
as an MK forced me to rely on other people.
There were people around us who were different, but we needed them
because we weren’t surrounded by our own people. It was hard.
It was also beneficial. I learned
so much from so many different people that I would have otherwise missed out
on.
That takes
me to my current thought process.
Here I am. A Christian girl in a city in America. I love culture and being around different
people. Currently I am trying to fight
through transition. It’s hard. I never thought I would attend such a large
Mennonite church. That’s hard to swallow. But God calls us to things that are different
and even appear illogical to our humanistic ways at times. In the past year I’ve felt like I was losing
myself. Like RaVonne was slowly disappearing
and I didn’t know what to do with it.
The things I stood for, the ways I thought and the challenges I wanted
to jump into were being sucked down the drain.
I wasn’t ok with that, but I didn’t know what to do with it. Was there a way to actually stop it?
I found
myself struggling to find a way to fit into the church we are currently a part
of. It hasn’t gone like I thought it
might. I mean, in a church of 250+
people, it’s easy to attend and then remove yourself from everything else. I don’t feel like I fit or like I’m
needed. Sorry, that’s a little vulnerable
to say, but that leads me to this point…
For me, as
a Christian girl in America, I can tend to want to find my place of belonging at
church. I don’t think that’s wrong
because we all need other Believers to walk with us through life. But I do think that for me it’s wrong to look
for my complete group of people there.
How am I ever going to share the Gospel without having relationships
with the people who are searching for the Truth? They long to be needed too. If I go to them for advice on the culture I
am learning or the language I can’t understand and they feel like I really want
and need them in my life, we will develop a healthy relationship of giving and
receiving. No, it won’t always be easy,
but the Christian life is not meant to be easy.
I find
myself living in a little bubble and that scares me. It’s been a year and half of living here and
I can tell you the name of one of my neighbors. That’s ridiculous! How dare I allow moving to America to change
my lifestyle. I can’t be satisfied with
being in a little comfort box where the people around me look the same all the
time. The Word of God needs to be my
daily source of life and challenge. What
I believe has got to be more than what my church is asking of me. I have got to be asking the Lord to fill me
daily with the Holy Spirit as I enter the world around me.
God didn’t
call me to live in a little bubble or on an island above the world. Jesus got involved. He helped people but wasn’t their crutch for
life. He healed many, fed others, and
spoke Truth while loving them deeply. Am
I committed to loving unconditionally? That
requires me to put other needs in front of mine. Am I committed to saying “Here I am, Lord, use
me,” when I have no idea what all it might cost? If not, then I am not a follower of Him. I’m just a fan in the crowd searching for benefits.
Jesus
Christ means so much to me. To be here
for benefits seems rather disrespectful, selfish, and ignorant. Am I willing to live a different life and
accept the responsibilities that comes with the incredible gift of salvation? If not, than what’s the point!?
