Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Expectations

I wish someone would tell me what I'm doing wrong so the continual pain of people's expectations wouldn't keep stabbing me in the heart.  It hasn't been once or twice...not even ten times...more like too many times to count where I've tried to smile while someone told me that I have my life all together or that it's perfect.  Inwardly I laugh because I can't figure out how on earth someone would ever think that in their right mind...

But when people almost fall over with the realization that I struggle with some of the same stuff they do, everything within me wants to scream....Maybe to you this seems strong and doesn't make sense...let me take an attempt to explain.


I hate expectations.

Especially when people tell me that they just realized my dad is pretty normal, my brothers actually fight at times, and I actually have some struggles in life...
Is there any possible way to explain to me why people hold certain groups of people at a standard not attainable by human strength?

If there is one thing you could do to hurt an MK, PK, or even a TCK, it would be telling them that you feel like you've been let down by them...because you've gotten to know them a little more and they actually get angry at times, struggle with depression, lash out at people, and have some imperfections.

That is completely unnecessary and unfair.  It hurts + creates even more struggles for them to deal with...Yes, I know it happens, but I wish people would just understand...

I wish everyone knew that even though you might only see the stage side of my family, we are real just like you.  No one on planet earth is perfect.  No one ever will be.  So don't hold these parents, kids, and families to a standard not possible to reach.  The best thing you could do is take the standard you have them at and hold it to yourself first.  Once you've reached that perfection, hold the people around you to it too.

I don't feel like it's fair for everyone to put families on a platform even though you might only see them on one.  Just because they have a lot of 'friends' and have seen/experienced a different lifestyle than you have doesn't give them wings or a halo.  Never has.  Never will.

People tell me I'm a pretty open and honest person...that I'm not afraid to say what I'm going through or what really hurts...but they also tell me that I have my life together...that I have it figured out...Somewhere I'm missing something and I wish I knew what it was... If you know what it is, tell me.  I beg you.  I would give almost anything to know what it is that I'm doing wrong to make you think my life is perfect....

While you think of some much-needed, wise words for me, I'm going to tell you a little about myself.  I don't like screaming my life story out there for people to hear because it's nothing exciting, mind blowing, or even radical...In fact, God keeps stretching me in this area of life because it's good for me...and I have learned that sharing real life struggles changes lives...mine...and sometimes other people's lives as well....

Some of you already know this, but for years I have struggled with fear...it comes in all different shapes and sizes and one of my least favorite ways to see it approach me is in the form of panic attacks.  We've prayed, got advice, and even counseling, but it didn't really change too much for me.  In the fall of 2015 I experienced the most incredible freedom I have ever experienced in my life.  In a time of searching and crying out to God on behalf of some personal struggles, God healed me from my panic attacks.  I was a new person and I suddenly felt like I had gained the freedom and joy I had as a little girl...For months I lived life with an incredible amount of energy and lack of fear.  It was absolutely beautiful...

Approximately a year later, they came back and I haven't found the answer to my continual question...
"God, why would you give me something and take it away within a year?  I don't get it God, I just don't get it..."

I have seen God answer prayers over and over because of them...but I've also seen myself struggling in ways I didn't want to experience again.  The truth that they might be a part of the rest of my life scares me at times... and I wish I could change that.  I can stand and watch other people my age leave home or go on trips and they don't think twice about having a sudden attack of fear and sickness pulling them to the ground...It isn't fair.  And I wish it was all just a bad dream...   But at the very same time...I know without a doubt that God knows exactly what He is doing and there is no way my idea of life could possibly make sense...but it still hurts.  It hurts pretty bad and answers would be comforting...

This morning, the words to a song hit me a little differently...


"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders"

The only way I am ever going to move closer to Him is by stepping out of the boat...it might be stormy at times and hard to keep my eyes on Him...but there's only one way.  For my strength to be made stronger, it's going to be tested...I'm going to go through rough water...but a relationship with the personal Creator of the Universe is something worth fighting for.  There has never been anything like it and there will never be anything that compares.

People will let us down, sickness will destroy normal life, accidents take place, and human imperfections will rub us the wrong way....but life is a journey.  We have to take it one step at a time.  Your story might look similar to mine or it might be completely different...but we can fight together and in eternity we will look into the eyes of the One who gave us something worth fighting for.