"What does it look like to be a Christian?

It was August 31, 2014, and I was trying to make my Sunday afternoon relaxing and enjoyable.

But I couldn't.

It didn't matter what I did to attempt the task of distracting my heavy heart, it didn't work.

In fact, it all got worse.

After the last straw broke, I grabbed my journal & began to take out my anger, thoughts, and confusion on my blank pieces of paper.  The pen was greatly used & the thoughts were put on lines in a desperate attempt to find answers.

I desperately wanted to know why I felt the way I did.

"I don't know who I am anymore."  were the first words slammed against the page.

I wrote of the way I felt...the feelings that flooded my heart when I looked in the mirror or at pictures of this little girl.
"Why couldn't I have those days back where all I did was smile?  Or why can't I feel the freedom I used to?"

Nothing made sense.  As I came to the end of my journal entry, the anger and frustration brought determination...

"God, I realize there's so much I don't know and need from You."
"Starting today...I am going on a journey.  {a journey to find God, myself, and what life as a Christian looks like}"

To be honest, I was sick of Christianity.
Not that I was giving up or saying it's not the One True Way...but the lives I see Christians living these days makes me sick.

"I know there's more to it than what I see.  The way these people live isn't that different than any other person.  Sure they go to church twice a week, have their daily devotions every day, pray, and go to Bible School, but seriously...is that what they think the Christian life is all about?? ...I mean, if that's all it is, skip it!  That isn't anything special to me.  If Jesus returned tonight, what would we have to say for ourselves?  Did our lives really do anything worth while?"

It was September 25, 2014, and I had somehow stumbled across a song I had heard before, but this time it struck me.

"...how You lived...how You died...LOVE is sacrifice...LET my LIFE BE THE proof OF Your love..."

"I want to stand before You on judgement day knowing I gave ALL.  & nothing short of all I have.
You have given me life, so to live it for myself would be ((wrong))."

Jesus hung on the cross for me. {in my place}  its overwhelming."

 ( ( l o v e ) )

It was then that the realization struck me.

I had been searching for the answer to "What does it look like for me to be a Christian?" & right there was my answer.

l e t  MY  l i f e  be the  p r o o f  of  YOUR  l o v e

It sounds simple enough...but I continually ask God to show me what that might be.

What does it really look like to be the proof of His love??

His love is so great..indescribable.  How is it possible that some imperfect human being could possibly attempt to show His love?

This I still don't know...but there is one thing I do know..

We live in a time where love is desperately needed.  It's time we stand up and step out of our comforts.  It's time we leave the norm and create a new normal.  Who says it's not cool to be sold out for Jesus?

I challenge you to look at your life seriously.  Are there things in your life that are holding you back from giving everything??  Do you really want to spend as much time with God as you do with your friends or on social media??  {it's hard...i know the struggle is insanely hard}

What does it look like for you to be a Christian??

There is a chance that tonight you could stand before God.  Will you hear the words, "Well done, My good and faithful servant..." ??

LIFE is serious.

Don't live it carelessly.

Life As I Know It...

Every day I run into situations that remind me of the differences in everyone's lives.  The way I view life is completely different than any one else because of my life experiences and especially my unique childhood.  Your life is special, just like mine, and I may never fully understand the way you live or view life & that's ok.

every life is special in the Father's eyes.

It's those days when the rain falls & I have no desire to go outside that God teaches me to be thankful.  Raincoats have value.  So much more value when my transportation is a motorcycle.  It's then that I learn to make things fun and exciting even when I don't really want to face the world.

Those moments when we go to the market & eat in hole in the wall places.  Some of our favorite foods have never tasted so good.

The times of road tripping & Minute Maid kept me company.

The time our family crammed into our little van and took a vacation...we used the pool the entire time & enjoyed fun snacks.

{that's how this family vacations}

Friday afternoons spent at a coffee shop doing homework with the brothers.

Those many stops at McDonald's when the restaurant would be overtaken by the bus & you got your regular, all time favorite tradition.  Those were the times memories were made with high school friends.

The memories that flooded your mind as you visited your old MN home.

The instant you realize your Skit Team got first at ISC & all you can do is smile the biggest, cheesiest smile ever because every practice created memories & payed off big time.

When the first snow hit the ground & all I could do was dance around the house for it had been entirely way too long since this child had played outside in a hat, gloves, snow pants, and boots.

That moment when your madre snaps a picture of you and padre all dressed up for a special occasion.

The moment you fell in love with your EBC student & the times you miss her dearly & the only thing you can do is pray that He will protect her life.

Goodbyes & plane rides with your not so favorite food, but you learn to accept it as a way of life in this family.

& those love hate relationships with airports...

The time the little besties matched & the photo became a fave as we got older.

The time I was sick & madre surprised me with a fave hot drink.

& the time I took a selfie with pumpkin because he's just too cute.

The time I decided vanilla yogurt & raspberries were my favorite snack when really I used to make myself sick over yogurt.

The times you hear "fail" over & over and you feel quite stupid.

& the times God gives you answers to your questions..

When your padre takes you on dates or motorcycle rides & you love him because he's your hero & you can't imagine life without him.

The time you wish you were on a bike instead of a car stuck in a traffic jam or the moments of practicing over & over to accomplish the skill of a new instrument.

The memories made at cute little restaurants & the many drinks of coffee...

The times I played with my Grenadian friends & loved life the way it was..

Along with many other experiences....

These are the things that have made my life the way it is.  These are a few of the moments that have shaped me into the person I am today...the strengths & the struggles..they are all because of the experiences...

You, too, have a past..a childhood full of memories.  You, too, have strengths & struggles.  the people around you might seem strange, but we need to see them the way God does.  We don't understand everything, but God does & He loves them in spite of their odds.

My challenge to you is

L O V E the people around you the way H E loves Y O U.

Journal Entry: 10.1.14

October 1, 2014

Journal Entry:

“How are you doing?” seems to be the popular question these days.  To be honest, I have found it hard to answer…I mean, as small of a question as it seems, I really don’t think I am quite capable of honestly answering correctly.  Every day holds a new set of emotions, but usually they all contain one similarity.

i n d e s c r i b a b l e

It’s as if I long for home.

But when I stop and think about home, I don’t know where it is.

I look at pictures & watch video clips from this past year.

But then my eyes fill with tears as I recall the memories made.

Yes.  I miss America.

But if I were informed of a move back from Thailand, I would have a meltdown.  Honest & Truly.

My mind races through every detail of every situation that took place in Grenada during my childhood and this past fall.  Once again this overwhelming feeling floods my soul.

“How to describe it?” is the question that daily boggles my mind.

There are no words really.

Each day is an up or down & I can’t warn myself of what the day may be.

Life truly has been a rollercoaster for the past several months.

I open my Bible & before my eyes is my favorite passage.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” {Psalm 91:1-2 NIV}

The five dollar bill marking the place of the chapter reminds me of redemption.  The thought of God using insignificant people for His glory.  The night I fought for selfish desires & in the end, when He won, I had the privilege of praying with a dear friend….seeing her become a daughter of the King was entirely worth everything.  The fact that He allowed me to have the privilege when I didn’t have any desire to be there at the moment blows me away.  Why didn’t He give that opportunity to someone else??  Why me of all the beautiful people in the world??

“Child, you are Mine & I love you more than you will ever know or understand.  Just trust Me & I will carry you.”

He really does beat all.

In the end, He is the One who understands me most.  He is the One who will always & forever be my Leader.  He won’t come in and out of my life.  There’s no ‘hellos’ & ‘goodbyes.’

I don’t have to explain anything to Him.  He already knows.

My past doesn’t have to be brought up to remind Him why I am the way I am today.

He understands me better than any other TCK ever will.

He knows my past, present, & future.  On Him I can fully rely.

So tonight, as I lay my head on my pillow, I can have the indescribable feelings, but that’s ok.  There is One who knows & to Him I will run.

[Love to all]

<3