But when people almost fall over with the realization that I struggle with some of the same stuff they do, everything within me wants to scream....Maybe to you this seems strong and doesn't make sense...let me take an attempt to explain.
I hate expectations.
Especially when people tell me that they just realized my dad is pretty normal, my brothers actually fight at times, and I actually have some struggles in life...
Is there any possible way to explain to me why people hold certain groups of people at a standard not attainable by human strength?
If there is one thing you could do to hurt an MK, PK, or even a TCK, it would be telling them that you feel like you've been let down by them...because you've gotten to know them a little more and they actually get angry at times, struggle with depression, lash out at people, and have some imperfections.
That is completely unnecessary and unfair. It hurts + creates even more struggles for them to deal with...Yes, I know it happens, but I wish people would just understand...
I wish everyone knew that even though you might only see the stage side of my family, we are real just like you. No one on planet earth is perfect. No one ever will be. So don't hold these parents, kids, and families to a standard not possible to reach. The best thing you could do is take the standard you have them at and hold it to yourself first. Once you've reached that perfection, hold the people around you to it too.
I don't feel like it's fair for everyone to put families on a platform even though you might only see them on one. Just because they have a lot of 'friends' and have seen/experienced a different lifestyle than you have doesn't give them wings or a halo. Never has. Never will.
People tell me I'm a pretty open and honest person...that I'm not afraid to say what I'm going through or what really hurts...but they also tell me that I have my life together...that I have it figured out...Somewhere I'm missing something and I wish I knew what it was... If you know what it is, tell me. I beg you. I would give almost anything to know what it is that I'm doing wrong to make you think my life is perfect....
While you think of some much-needed, wise words for me, I'm going to tell you a little about myself. I don't like screaming my life story out there for people to hear because it's nothing exciting, mind blowing, or even radical...In fact, God keeps stretching me in this area of life because it's good for me...and I have learned that sharing real life struggles changes lives...mine...and sometimes other people's lives as well....
Some of you already know this, but for years I have struggled with fear...it comes in all different shapes and sizes and one of my least favorite ways to see it approach me is in the form of panic attacks. We've prayed, got advice, and even counseling, but it didn't really change too much for me. In the fall of 2015 I experienced the most incredible freedom I have ever experienced in my life. In a time of searching and crying out to God on behalf of some personal struggles, God healed me from my panic attacks. I was a new person and I suddenly felt like I had gained the freedom and joy I had as a little girl...For months I lived life with an incredible amount of energy and lack of fear. It was absolutely beautiful...
Approximately a year later, they came back and I haven't found the answer to my continual question...
"God, why would you give me something and take it away within a year? I don't get it God, I just don't get it..."
I have seen God answer prayers over and over because of them...but I've also seen myself struggling in ways I didn't want to experience again. The truth that they might be a part of the rest of my life scares me at times... and I wish I could change that. I can stand and watch other people my age leave home or go on trips and they don't think twice about having a sudden attack of fear and sickness pulling them to the ground...It isn't fair. And I wish it was all just a bad dream... But at the very same time...I know without a doubt that God knows exactly what He is doing and there is no way my idea of life could possibly make sense...but it still hurts. It hurts pretty bad and answers would be comforting...
This morning, the words to a song hit me a little differently...
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders"
The only way I am ever going to move closer to Him is by stepping out of the boat...it might be stormy at times and hard to keep my eyes on Him...but there's only one way. For my strength to be made stronger, it's going to be tested...I'm going to go through rough water...but a relationship with the personal Creator of the Universe is something worth fighting for. There has never been anything like it and there will never be anything that compares.
People will let us down, sickness will destroy normal life, accidents take place, and human imperfections will rub us the wrong way....but life is a journey. We have to take it one step at a time. Your story might look similar to mine or it might be completely different...but we can fight together and in eternity we will look into the eyes of the One who gave us something worth fighting for.
That is completely unnecessary and unfair. It hurts + creates even more struggles for them to deal with...Yes, I know it happens, but I wish people would just understand...
I wish everyone knew that even though you might only see the stage side of my family, we are real just like you. No one on planet earth is perfect. No one ever will be. So don't hold these parents, kids, and families to a standard not possible to reach. The best thing you could do is take the standard you have them at and hold it to yourself first. Once you've reached that perfection, hold the people around you to it too.
I don't feel like it's fair for everyone to put families on a platform even though you might only see them on one. Just because they have a lot of 'friends' and have seen/experienced a different lifestyle than you have doesn't give them wings or a halo. Never has. Never will.
People tell me I'm a pretty open and honest person...that I'm not afraid to say what I'm going through or what really hurts...but they also tell me that I have my life together...that I have it figured out...Somewhere I'm missing something and I wish I knew what it was... If you know what it is, tell me. I beg you. I would give almost anything to know what it is that I'm doing wrong to make you think my life is perfect....
While you think of some much-needed, wise words for me, I'm going to tell you a little about myself. I don't like screaming my life story out there for people to hear because it's nothing exciting, mind blowing, or even radical...In fact, God keeps stretching me in this area of life because it's good for me...and I have learned that sharing real life struggles changes lives...mine...and sometimes other people's lives as well....
Some of you already know this, but for years I have struggled with fear...it comes in all different shapes and sizes and one of my least favorite ways to see it approach me is in the form of panic attacks. We've prayed, got advice, and even counseling, but it didn't really change too much for me. In the fall of 2015 I experienced the most incredible freedom I have ever experienced in my life. In a time of searching and crying out to God on behalf of some personal struggles, God healed me from my panic attacks. I was a new person and I suddenly felt like I had gained the freedom and joy I had as a little girl...For months I lived life with an incredible amount of energy and lack of fear. It was absolutely beautiful...
Approximately a year later, they came back and I haven't found the answer to my continual question...
"God, why would you give me something and take it away within a year? I don't get it God, I just don't get it..."
I have seen God answer prayers over and over because of them...but I've also seen myself struggling in ways I didn't want to experience again. The truth that they might be a part of the rest of my life scares me at times... and I wish I could change that. I can stand and watch other people my age leave home or go on trips and they don't think twice about having a sudden attack of fear and sickness pulling them to the ground...It isn't fair. And I wish it was all just a bad dream... But at the very same time...I know without a doubt that God knows exactly what He is doing and there is no way my idea of life could possibly make sense...but it still hurts. It hurts pretty bad and answers would be comforting...
This morning, the words to a song hit me a little differently...
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders"
The only way I am ever going to move closer to Him is by stepping out of the boat...it might be stormy at times and hard to keep my eyes on Him...but there's only one way. For my strength to be made stronger, it's going to be tested...I'm going to go through rough water...but a relationship with the personal Creator of the Universe is something worth fighting for. There has never been anything like it and there will never be anything that compares.
People will let us down, sickness will destroy normal life, accidents take place, and human imperfections will rub us the wrong way....but life is a journey. We have to take it one step at a time. Your story might look similar to mine or it might be completely different...but we can fight together and in eternity we will look into the eyes of the One who gave us something worth fighting for.
RaVonne, I just want you to know that I hear you. I used to struggle with panic attacks too. It was debilitating for me for a few years. I know how hard it is.
ReplyDeleteRemember it isn't that God gave it back to you. You did experience healing. But the key to healing and living in victory is trust. Start tracking your thoughts prior to an attack.... what is your mind thinking and your heart believing...
God bless you on this journey... you won't be here the rest of your life. There is healing again... keep searching your heart and seeking your Father... :) God bless...
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ReplyDeleteI keep reading your recent posts and wanting to comment, but then I run out of time and forget to come back later. So today I came back to let you know that I identified with this post on several levels.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm not an MK, I am a PK and a returned missionary so I get the whole thing of people holding these expectations over you and then being disappointed when you don't measure up. Sometimes I just so badly want people to know that I'm not some hero---I'm honestly just a very very human person who doesn't have it all together and wishes people would get that. And do people ever realize how lonely it is to be in these shoes? Sometimes we just want people to reach out to us as lonely hurting people just as much as the next person--but they don't, because we supposedly don't need.
So yeah...I get somewhat what you're talking about and I feel for you and with you. im realizing how much situations like this can either turn me to bitterness and hurt or to more of Jesus. Situations like these make relationship with Him so much sweeter and more beautiful.
I've had some panic attacks myself over the past year and I know a little bit about how debilitating and weak it makes you feel. Just want you to know that I'm praying with you about that. I don't understand why Jesus allows these things, but I know firsthand out of hard experiences that His grace is sufficient in my weakness...and I claim that for you in all of this too. Love and miss you girl...wishing we could just sit down for a coffee chat. But I'm glad for the opportunities we had while we still lived in the same community. :)
RaVonne, I have enjoyed reading your blog ever since I first saw it. I totally identify with you in the way of people having expectations that are not reasonable. My dad has been the administrator of our school for almost as long as I have been in school and has been teaching at our school ever since my older brother started going to school. So, people had (and have) expectations for me and my family. It is not fun. For a while in elementary, I rebelled against that because I was so tired of people expecting me to be perfect so I wanted to show them that I could be bad. It was a bad approach to the problem. I don't know how to solve this problem. I do not think that it is anything you are doing, rather people create these expectations that are unrealistic because they do not understand what it is like to be in our shoes.
ReplyDeleteHey Friend,
DeleteFor some reason I'm just now seeing this. That's terrible. But thank you for sharing. I pray that your fight for not worrying about expectations is won by Him standing between you and the expectations coming at you. It's hard. But He's given you this life for a reason! ❤