It's when I stop for a second to try to comprehend what's happening in my life that my heart gets heavy & tears run down my face.

My human mind attempts to process life.  But it can't.

My attempts to place my thoughts on paper fail and instead of filling the pages with words, tears scar the lines.

Pictures of people & friends who have brought joy to my life fly through my brain as I think of the day that I will have to say the dreadful goodbye.

Life isn't hopeless, and yet, sometimes it appears that way.

When I look around me & see the wounded hearts of young girls, the skinned up knees of the fatherless children, and the tears of the parents who have lost their children, I thank God that in the midst of pain, I HAVE SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.

I have Someone. I have a purpose in life.

Without that, it would BE hopeless.  No direction in life.  Nothing to live for.  No comfort in heartbreaking moments.

Why am I questioning God?  Why does life look so bad to me [the child of the One True King]?

I .know. He won't take the pain away.  For me to beg Him to pull it out of my life would be wrong.  He has a reason & a precious plan in mind.  Yes, it is hard & from the ashes He will make something beautiful.

And today I am thankful that there can be joy in the midst of pain because I have a reason to live. <3

In a little less than three weeks I will board a plane with my family.  The journey will take us back to what we knew as home, but now it's different than what it used to be.  What was known as home for this past year will be left behind along with the friends we made.  How does one process this?

In one year's time, every 'home' state & country were visited.  Memories were made & lessons were learned.  God worked in a powerful way in my life & honestly, I am a different person today than I was last year at this time.  The year had struggles [BIG struggles], but God was that constant strong & steady, ever-present Father.  I've learned to love Him even more & I've seen Him use broken and imperfect people to impact other's lives.  When I thought it was impossible, He used me [little, imperfect me].  When life seemed difficult, he brought relationships into my life that were humanly impossible.

Now I'm trying to grasp the thought that this year is almost over.  Tears come to my eyes as I attempt to process the thought of leaving.  It's one of those moments when all the feelings you could ever imagine come swooping into your life and overwhelm you.  There truly are no words.  God reminded me this morning that I can fully trust Him because He's in control.  He knows.  I can rest in the assurance that He has it all under control & I can accept it.  For me to push it away would be painful.  To accept the coming journey is going to be painful.  But if I trust Him, it will be bearable and He will continually comfort me.  There's no way to try to hide that it's hard.  Honestly, it's one of those things you question and wonder why God would allow so much inconsistency in one person's life.  Why would God allow so much change and so few people who fully understand and care?

"I am with you."

That's all I need.  No matter how hard the situation, no matter how difficult the task, HE IS WITH ME & I don't need to worry about the future.

Pray for us, if you think about it.  These next weeks look HUGE!  But our God is BIGGER!

<3

7.17.14. //Thoughts//

Day to day battles with oneself isn’t uncommon.  Being a Christian involves these continuous moments of surrender each day of our lives.  For us to remember that we are nothing without God is important.  It doesn’t matter how beautiful or handsome you are, what kind of family you come from, how cute your kids are, how tall and handsome your boyfriend is or how beautiful your girlfriend looks.  It doesn’t matter if you’re single or married, white or black, American, Asian, African or European, if you’ve gone to church all your life or you just started a week ago, if you have ten talents or just one talent.  God accepts us all the same.  In His eyes, we are no different.  To Him, we are all strangers wandering around on a tiny planet called Earth and daily needing more of Him.  We will never [EVER] become something of worth to Him on our own.  Because God sent His very Own precious Son to die on the cross for the wicked and ungodly deeds we have done, we have the ability to have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

What bigger gift could we ask for???

Instead of being genuinely grateful for the greatest gift ever given to us, we walk around this earth looking for something more we could have.  We wander around shopping malls looking for more stuff to fill our houses and better clothes to reach a higher class in our church.  Whether we realize it or not, we create an unspoken pressure to become a ‘better’ person [in our human eyes, mind you].  We’ve created an atmosphere of jealousy and style that somehow makes us feel a little bit better than the people God has placed around us.  Is this what the Christian life looks like to you?

It’s not about filling up our time at youth activities, school events, parties, and a church service once or twice a week!  Our lives are to be [living] [daily] relationships with God, [OUR MAKER].  You can’t get to know someone by spending fifteen minutes a day with them.  For us to truly know God, we need to continually talk to Him, read His Word, & worship Him to give Him the glory He deserves!  It’s easy to get caught up in our day to day activities and find ourselves too tired to have our quiet time before we go to bed.  Sometimes we set our alarm clocks to wake us up in just enough time to get us ready for work.  Is that pursuing God?  The truth of the matter is He already knows us.  We are the ones who need to know Him more.  The best thing is, it doesn’t matter how much time we spend with Him, we will never fully know His greatness and Who He is!  Does that look a little overwhelming??  That’s OK.  He is the greatest & if we could figure Him out, life would have no point.  So keep pursuing!

My life is just a vapor & to spend it for myself would be absolutely ridiculous.  To surrender daily is hard, but for me to wrestle for a short amount of time so I can overcome & spend eternity praising God makes it worth it!  My challenge to you is daily surrender your life to God. You will never [ever] regret it!

<3

Thoughts on Life [for the Week]

It hurts.  It hurts to see a world full of pain.  It hurts to see individuals struggling to survive in this messed up world.  It hurts to see loved ones and people who are close to you battle between the right and wrong.  It all hurts.  But what hurts the most is to see a crazy, messed up world rejecting the GREATEST GIFT ever given.

I step back and look at my life.  I tearfully recall the battles between right and wrong.  It hurts to see the effects of bad choices.  It’s hard to ‘get back’ the portion of my heart and life that I gave to Satan as he so slyly fed me lies.  It’s hard to understand why, but I know I deserve a life even worse than the one I have been given.  As I daily pray against the devil and his schemes to tear me apart and take me back to who I was, I wrestle to truly be who God wants me to be.  Hatred and anger fill my heart as I see what Satan has done/and attempts to do in my life and in the lives of the people around me.  I hate it!  I am so sick of him tearing people apart.  I’m sick of his traps, his lies, and his attempts to conquer the world.  I hate it.  I can’t stand it anymore!

It’s then that I realize how God might possibly feel.  And yet, it can’t be that way.  I sin over and over, but He’s always there.  With arms wide open, He receives me for who I am.  He loves me.  He carries me.  He cares for me.  God, the Almighty, Creator of the universe, Giver of life, wants me to be His child.  He is waiting; but so many are rejecting Him for a life full of earthly satisfaction and things that won’t last.  They are spending their short lives to please their flesh while their eternity will be full of anguish.

What am I doing about it??  Here I am, a child of the One True King, trying to live my life in a way that might possibly bring Him glory, when there are thousands who don’t know His name.  Am I willing to give of myself, my money, my life, my possessions, and my comforts to show someone Christ’s love and the hope they can have in Him?  This life is entirely too short to even think of spending my life for myself, and yet, I get so caught up in the moment.  But if I could help one person, even one, that would bring Him so much honor and glory.

“Well done, My good & faithful servant.”  These are the words I long to hear at the end of my life.  Who knows when that might be?  This could be my very last hour of life.  What am I doing with it?  What would be said of my life as my earthly body is laid in a casket?  Life is too short to attempt to make ourselves happy.  What am I doing?  What are you doing?

Trust

Every quiet, breathing moment that somehow majestically creeps its way into my day appears to be full of deep thoughts...thoughts of my past, future, and even the present issues at steak.  How I even have time to think of the likes still amazes me...honestly, life feels like a whirlwind!  But aside from all of that, there has been one word on my mind for the past year--> TRUST. 

What is trust?? What is it to you & what is it to me?

Most of you know what my life has held in the past several years, but maybe not all of you...

Last year was my senior year, my last year of school, and to be completely honest, I was VERY excited.  You see, I don't tend to be one of those school nerds who flies through school with impressive grades and I was ready for life..the REAL world..or so I thought.  Christmas was over and slowly my amount of schoolwork became smaller and smaller til there was almost nothing left...Graduation was being thought about and plans were beginning to come together when God threw something at me I never expected!  Believe it or not, I didn't graduate...in fact I have spent this last year in school..doing MORE schoolwork [things I didn't think I'd do] and seeing God work in people's lives.

Now, a little over a year later, I stand in a senior position in life again.  Only this time I think it's real...i think :)  What does God have in store for my future this coming year?

Trust comes to my mind day after day...struggles come hurling my way and I continually have to learn how to totally trust in my Almighty Father.  This year it's trusting that there really IS good in all of the hurts of life and the coming and going...Sometimes I wonder if there's really a point in a year of living completely different...then I wonder how I'm going to leave the friends I've made...

But am I ever grateful that God NEVER changes & I know I can trust Him to lead me!

Words don't really come.
But there are so many mixed emotions.

I never expected that four hours after my brother was born a little girl from our church would be taken home to her Father.
How does one even know how to celebrate life when others are going through grief?
It doesn't make sense that my family had the privilege of experiencing life while others had to experience death.
It doesn't seem fair.
But life isn't fair.

It's hard to think about the coming years...
July 21 is a memorable date to both of our families, but for two completely different reasons.

This week I have thought more about life and death than I have for a long time.
And one of my favorite songs has come back so many times...
"The Lord gives & the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Tired from the day's activities, I grab some fruit and step out onto the back porch to relieve myself of the stuffy house.  The beautiful sun catches my eye as its slowly begins to set in the west.  Tonight is beautiful, hot and slightly uncomfortable, but beautiful.  As I watch the neighbor man play with his kids in the back yard, I hear one of my favorite sounds--the clock tower.  It hits me...Time is running out!  This world is coming to an end and there are still many who have no hope.  There are many father's who don't care about their children and lots of kids who don't know their parents.  What am I doing?
Originally that wasn't what I was going to think about when I stepped outside to catch some fresh air, but that's what He brought to my mind.

Tonight I am so grateful for my family.  My father, mother, and six [almost seven] younger brothers.  Who would I be without them to care for me?
My mind also goes to the journey in which I am about to embark.  Tomorrow brings new experiences.  The next three weeks will hold...well, what will they hold?  This trip has been on my mind for the past couple months and I am very excited to see what all God will do in my life!  It isn't a coincident that I am going to help lead a group of kids from station to station.  He has a plan and I want to be willing to be who He wants me to be and do what He wants me to do!

I would appreciate your prayers as I go to LA.  I am very excited but also a little nervous.  I have to say that I haven't experienced something like this before.
[And if you think about it, pray for my family...they need prayers too! :) ]