Truly I Am Human...no doubts about it.

To say I've failed time and time again wouldn't truly tell you the embarrassing number of fails this life has committed.

To express the fact that I've hurt people more than once doesn't quite cut it.

To admit the fact that I have sinned over & over wouldn't completely state it all.

To honestly say I have not lived my entire life in a way that honors God would be a major understatement.

To say I have let God down would be wrong, because I am not holding Him up.

But the truth is, I have failed over & over & over & over {ok. you get the point}.

I honestly don't think I can express this in words.

But I can try a major attempt.

The past week and a half have been the worst.

My relationship with God has suffered. {majorly}

Each day has been filled with "important" things... & at the end of the day, sleep seems comfortable.

"I'll make my time with God work in the morning."

Morning comes...& you know how it goes...{or maybe you are one of those super-human people who never has this issue...)

I drive myself insane.

"RaVonne, how can you leave a trip where God taught you incredible things to get back into "normal/everyday" life??  If you died tonight, RaVonne, would you have been a good & faithful servant??  What about all those lessons God clearly threw at you in a very personal way??  RaVonne, you know what's right...What are you going to do about it!?!?"

I've wrestled day after day.  Until God brought something to mind.

It hurt.  It shook me.  There was nothing I could do, but cry out to God.

"God, why do I always do this??  Time and time again...seriously. Aren't You just sick of it?!?  Why do I get so wrapped up in this junk....this trash...this stuff of the world that WILL NOT benefit me in the end!?!?  Maybe it's not wrong..but it's definitely not helping me out in any way...Honestly, God, if I were You {which is obviously impossible, but...} I would've given up on this helpless soul a long time ago!  How can you continually love me like this!?"

In the background I hear the song...

"Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

  

Your perfect love is casting out fear.

                

And even when I'm caught

in the middle of the storms of this life,

  

I won't turn back, I know You are near.

                

And I will fear no evil,

             

For my God is with me.

                

And if my God is with me,

                 

Whom then shall I fear?

                  

Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go,

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go,

In every high and every low

O no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me.

And I can see a light

that is coming for the heart that holds on

A glorious light beyond all compare.

And there will be an end

to these troubles, But until that day comes,

We'll live to know You here on the earth.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on,

                  

And there will be an end to these troubles,

but until that day comes,

Still I will praise You"

The thought comes to me again of God's love in sending His only Son for my life..for your life.

He really didn't have the guarantee that people would accept the greatest gift of all.  But He did it anyway...HE.GAVE.HIS.LIFE.FOR.MINE.

Just try to let that sink in.  Seriously.  Think about it.

So, I am going to try again.  It is worth it in the end.  But somehow I always get lost somewhere....but He will give me the strength to keep going.  Life is hard.  Being a follower of the One True King is difficult.  But let me tell you, boy, is it ever worth it all in the end.

"My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."  

Psalms 73:26

"What does it look like to be a Christian?

It was August 31, 2014, and I was trying to make my Sunday afternoon relaxing and enjoyable.

But I couldn't.

It didn't matter what I did to attempt the task of distracting my heavy heart, it didn't work.

In fact, it all got worse.

After the last straw broke, I grabbed my journal & began to take out my anger, thoughts, and confusion on my blank pieces of paper.  The pen was greatly used & the thoughts were put on lines in a desperate attempt to find answers.

I desperately wanted to know why I felt the way I did.

"I don't know who I am anymore."  were the first words slammed against the page.

I wrote of the way I felt...the feelings that flooded my heart when I looked in the mirror or at pictures of this little girl.
"Why couldn't I have those days back where all I did was smile?  Or why can't I feel the freedom I used to?"

Nothing made sense.  As I came to the end of my journal entry, the anger and frustration brought determination...

"God, I realize there's so much I don't know and need from You."
"Starting today...I am going on a journey.  {a journey to find God, myself, and what life as a Christian looks like}"

To be honest, I was sick of Christianity.
Not that I was giving up or saying it's not the One True Way...but the lives I see Christians living these days makes me sick.

"I know there's more to it than what I see.  The way these people live isn't that different than any other person.  Sure they go to church twice a week, have their daily devotions every day, pray, and go to Bible School, but seriously...is that what they think the Christian life is all about?? ...I mean, if that's all it is, skip it!  That isn't anything special to me.  If Jesus returned tonight, what would we have to say for ourselves?  Did our lives really do anything worth while?"

It was September 25, 2014, and I had somehow stumbled across a song I had heard before, but this time it struck me.

"...how You lived...how You died...LOVE is sacrifice...LET my LIFE BE THE proof OF Your love..."

"I want to stand before You on judgement day knowing I gave ALL.  & nothing short of all I have.
You have given me life, so to live it for myself would be ((wrong))."

Jesus hung on the cross for me. {in my place}  its overwhelming."

 ( ( l o v e ) )

It was then that the realization struck me.

I had been searching for the answer to "What does it look like for me to be a Christian?" & right there was my answer.

l e t  MY  l i f e  be the  p r o o f  of  YOUR  l o v e

It sounds simple enough...but I continually ask God to show me what that might be.

What does it really look like to be the proof of His love??

His love is so great..indescribable.  How is it possible that some imperfect human being could possibly attempt to show His love?

This I still don't know...but there is one thing I do know..

We live in a time where love is desperately needed.  It's time we stand up and step out of our comforts.  It's time we leave the norm and create a new normal.  Who says it's not cool to be sold out for Jesus?

I challenge you to look at your life seriously.  Are there things in your life that are holding you back from giving everything??  Do you really want to spend as much time with God as you do with your friends or on social media??  {it's hard...i know the struggle is insanely hard}

What does it look like for you to be a Christian??

There is a chance that tonight you could stand before God.  Will you hear the words, "Well done, My good and faithful servant..." ??

LIFE is serious.

Don't live it carelessly.

Life As I Know It...

Every day I run into situations that remind me of the differences in everyone's lives.  The way I view life is completely different than any one else because of my life experiences and especially my unique childhood.  Your life is special, just like mine, and I may never fully understand the way you live or view life & that's ok.

every life is special in the Father's eyes.

It's those days when the rain falls & I have no desire to go outside that God teaches me to be thankful.  Raincoats have value.  So much more value when my transportation is a motorcycle.  It's then that I learn to make things fun and exciting even when I don't really want to face the world.

Those moments when we go to the market & eat in hole in the wall places.  Some of our favorite foods have never tasted so good.

The times of road tripping & Minute Maid kept me company.

The time our family crammed into our little van and took a vacation...we used the pool the entire time & enjoyed fun snacks.

{that's how this family vacations}

Friday afternoons spent at a coffee shop doing homework with the brothers.

Those many stops at McDonald's when the restaurant would be overtaken by the bus & you got your regular, all time favorite tradition.  Those were the times memories were made with high school friends.

The memories that flooded your mind as you visited your old MN home.

The instant you realize your Skit Team got first at ISC & all you can do is smile the biggest, cheesiest smile ever because every practice created memories & payed off big time.

When the first snow hit the ground & all I could do was dance around the house for it had been entirely way too long since this child had played outside in a hat, gloves, snow pants, and boots.

That moment when your madre snaps a picture of you and padre all dressed up for a special occasion.

The moment you fell in love with your EBC student & the times you miss her dearly & the only thing you can do is pray that He will protect her life.

Goodbyes & plane rides with your not so favorite food, but you learn to accept it as a way of life in this family.

& those love hate relationships with airports...

The time the little besties matched & the photo became a fave as we got older.

The time I was sick & madre surprised me with a fave hot drink.

& the time I took a selfie with pumpkin because he's just too cute.

The time I decided vanilla yogurt & raspberries were my favorite snack when really I used to make myself sick over yogurt.

The times you hear "fail" over & over and you feel quite stupid.

& the times God gives you answers to your questions..

When your padre takes you on dates or motorcycle rides & you love him because he's your hero & you can't imagine life without him.

The time you wish you were on a bike instead of a car stuck in a traffic jam or the moments of practicing over & over to accomplish the skill of a new instrument.

The memories made at cute little restaurants & the many drinks of coffee...

The times I played with my Grenadian friends & loved life the way it was..

Along with many other experiences....

These are the things that have made my life the way it is.  These are a few of the moments that have shaped me into the person I am today...the strengths & the struggles..they are all because of the experiences...

You, too, have a past..a childhood full of memories.  You, too, have strengths & struggles.  the people around you might seem strange, but we need to see them the way God does.  We don't understand everything, but God does & He loves them in spite of their odds.

My challenge to you is

L O V E the people around you the way H E loves Y O U.

Journal Entry: 10.1.14

October 1, 2014

Journal Entry:

“How are you doing?” seems to be the popular question these days.  To be honest, I have found it hard to answer…I mean, as small of a question as it seems, I really don’t think I am quite capable of honestly answering correctly.  Every day holds a new set of emotions, but usually they all contain one similarity.

i n d e s c r i b a b l e

It’s as if I long for home.

But when I stop and think about home, I don’t know where it is.

I look at pictures & watch video clips from this past year.

But then my eyes fill with tears as I recall the memories made.

Yes.  I miss America.

But if I were informed of a move back from Thailand, I would have a meltdown.  Honest & Truly.

My mind races through every detail of every situation that took place in Grenada during my childhood and this past fall.  Once again this overwhelming feeling floods my soul.

“How to describe it?” is the question that daily boggles my mind.

There are no words really.

Each day is an up or down & I can’t warn myself of what the day may be.

Life truly has been a rollercoaster for the past several months.

I open my Bible & before my eyes is my favorite passage.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” {Psalm 91:1-2 NIV}

The five dollar bill marking the place of the chapter reminds me of redemption.  The thought of God using insignificant people for His glory.  The night I fought for selfish desires & in the end, when He won, I had the privilege of praying with a dear friend….seeing her become a daughter of the King was entirely worth everything.  The fact that He allowed me to have the privilege when I didn’t have any desire to be there at the moment blows me away.  Why didn’t He give that opportunity to someone else??  Why me of all the beautiful people in the world??

“Child, you are Mine & I love you more than you will ever know or understand.  Just trust Me & I will carry you.”

He really does beat all.

In the end, He is the One who understands me most.  He is the One who will always & forever be my Leader.  He won’t come in and out of my life.  There’s no ‘hellos’ & ‘goodbyes.’

I don’t have to explain anything to Him.  He already knows.

My past doesn’t have to be brought up to remind Him why I am the way I am today.

He understands me better than any other TCK ever will.

He knows my past, present, & future.  On Him I can fully rely.

So tonight, as I lay my head on my pillow, I can have the indescribable feelings, but that’s ok.  There is One who knows & to Him I will run.

[Love to all]

<3

6 - Sept - 14

These days are rather busy and taking the time to blog isn’t happening. [sadly]  Never fear, I have not forgotten you, the readers.  Thus the reason I am here now.  Obviously my skill for having random thoughts hasn’t been lost in the business of life, as you can clearly tell, so let me try to move on here…and leave those behind…

{oh dear. this could be quite difficult}

 Four weeks ago I walked off the airplane into a familiar airport.  I desperately tried to prepare myself for the coming days and the emotions that would flood this little brain, but alas, that was not possible.  Little did I know that not only would I face the struggles I expected, but also the struggles I didn’t even know existed in my life.  Well, now they do and I am learning to trust God even more. 

 The first few days consisted of shock.  I tried to completely grasp that I was back in Thailand.  I tried to make myself believe that I had really been gone for an entire year and then some.  I attempted to process the fact that the entire year was over & now I was back in Thailand.  Grenada had been visited {…and honestly, I’m still not over that trip. But that’s another story.}, new friends were made, new places were discovered, I saw God in so many incredible ways, and so much more really…

Unpacking was done and sorting through stored belongings created thoughts of becoming gray before I’m even twenty. {ohpleaseno}  Each day I wrestled with the fact that I was living here without a plan.  I had no idea what I was going to do and when I was going to figure it out.  Honestly, I was struggling with trust.  I knew God would provide, but some days it seemed impossible.  God has been showing me that complete surrender is so important.  Yes, He has been showing me this for y e a r s, but sometimes children just d o n t g e t i t.  Hopefully I will someday…but we shall see…

This past week I started a new month with a new schedule.  I actually am busy. Hard to believe, I know…Monday I hit the books.  It was a little frightening and exciting all at the same time.  I forgot so much, sadly, but my teacher is so kind J & for this I am forever grateful!  Between classes three days a week {two hours each}, an hour [plus] of assisting in the kitchen trying to learn how to make Thai food and speak Thai, and homework, I am fairly busy.  Once a week I am trying my hand at teaching, which is fun & stretching…but the kids…how can you not love them??  Along with that, I help my madre at home with food and such…then there are those personal goals in life.  I love music, so I am working on improving some of those abilities in my spare time. {hehe}  But it is fun, I have to admit.  Music is just so…so…it is b e a u t i f u l <3.

It is good to be back in a schedule again.  It really is.  But it also has it’s struggles.  So you can pray for me as I struggle to find solitude moments in amongst the business of life.  I want to do it all well, but sometimes I run out of energy. [true story]  Those moments are amazing though, because then I learn once again to rely on God when it looks absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.

Ok.  The night is getting old & sleep is important as well!

Love to all. & so long…

Apple Pie Bars

As most of you know, I'm not one of those food bloggers, but today I used a recipe worth sharing...so just for fun, I'm breaking out of my little blogging box and giving you a recipe I found on Pinterest. [yes. i am completely serious. & it actually turned out.]

I highly recommend you try this recipe this fall if you are one of those [anything apple loving fans]....well, that's my advice..

Click here to visit the blog I got this recipe from.
//Her pictures are pretty amazing as well//

& have fun!

Happy Fall!

Apple Pie Bars

These Apple Pie Bars are the perfect handheld dessert and SO delicious! Made with fresh apples and topped with a sweet vanilla glaze.

Prep time

25 mins

Cook time

50 mins

Total time

1 hour 15 mins

Author: Liz Fourez

Recipe type: Dessert

Serves: 12

Ingredients

• Crust:
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 12 tablespoons unsalted butter, cold and diced into cubes
• ¼ cup 2% milk
• 1 egg yolk
• 
  Filling:
• 5 cups Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and diced
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• ½ cup all-purpose flour
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• ⅓ cup packed brown sugar
• 1½ teaspoon cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon nutmeg
• 
  Topping:
• 1 egg white
• 1½ tablespoons Turbinado sugar (or granulated sugar)
• ¼ teaspoon cinnamon
• 
  Glaze:
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 2 tablespoons 2% milk
• ½ teaspoon vanilla

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.
2. Pie crust: Add flour and salt to a food processor bowl and pulse ingredients together. Add cold, cubed butter and pulse until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Add milk and egg yolk and pulse until mixture comes together and can be formed into a ball. Wrap dough in plastic wrap and refrigerate while preparing filling.
3. Filling: Place diced apples in a large mixing bowl. Add vanilla and toss to coat. In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, granulated sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Pour flour mixture over apples and toss until evenly coated.
4. Assemble the pie: Divide pie crust dough into 2 equal portions. Roll first portion into a 13x9" rectangle on a lightly floured surface. Transfer dough into the bottom of an ungreased 13x9" baking dish by placing a rolling pin in the center of the dough, folding one side up over the pin, then folding the other side on top. Lift the rolling pin over the baking dish and unfold both sides into the dish. Carefully dump apples over the crust and spread them up to ½" around the edge of the crust. Roll out the 2nd dough portion i the same manner about ½" larger on each side. Transfer dough over apples and tuck sides of dough down into the baking dish, sealing the apples inside the crust. In a small bowl, whisk the egg white until foamy and brush over top of the pie. Combine the Turbinado sugar and cinnamon in another small bowl and sprinkle evenly over pie. Bake in preheated oven for 50-60 minutes until crust is golden brown. Remove from oven and allow to cool for at least 1 hour on a baking rack before cutting into squares. Serve bars drizzled with glaze (see instructions below) or with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.
5. Glaze: Combine all ingredients in a small bowl and whisk until smooth. Thin with additional milk if necessary and drizzle over bars.

Notes

- If you don't have a food processor, you can make the pie crust by hand also. Just use a pastry cutter to cut the butter into the flour mixture and use your hands or a spoon to add in the milk and egg until you can form the dough into a ball.

Reflection on the Past [For my U.S. High School]

A year ago [approximately] I woke up a little nervous & excited.  It was the day I would begin the adventure of being a senior for the second year.  So many emotions flooded my mind as I left the house in my gray cape dress [this was a new adventure for me in itself. hehe] & walked down the street with my brothers.  We rehearsed a few things and nervously talked about what was coming our way, but little did we know what the year would hold. After walking a few blocks we came around the corner and into the gated area of the school.  There, right in front of me, was practically the entire school.  {insert dramatic music} I.was.not.expecting.to.meet.them.right.there.  It was a little shocking to say the least!  I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer, then I walked toward the few familiar faces in the crowd.

It didn't take long til people introduced themselves and accepted me [this random new person invading the senior class].  They were awesome and I made friends very quickly.

That first day started with introductions.  To say the least, it was [awkward] & very [interesting].  But looking back on it now, it was awesome.  When I need something to laugh about, I think of that day I got some first hand experience with a teacher embarrassing me. ;]  But it's ok.  Everyone needs those moments in life.  

The school year of 2013-2014 was amazing.  I look at what God did in my life.  He took me to places I never thought I would go.  He used hard situations to draw me closer to Him.  Relationships were given & not always the easiest, but He used them for my good.  I was stretched in ways I didn't expect to be stretched and blessed in ways I never dreamed possible.  I sit here and look at what God did to the Fairview Highschool and I'm so amazed and blessed that I had the privilege of being a part of a revival.  God really did work & change people's lives.  He changed people I had prayed for & now those people are living lives completely different than before.  He truly is amazing.

Tomorrow morning another year of school starts.  My brothers will be off to school & I'm not going.  [How weird is that?]  Yes. I am glad I'm done with school, but there's still a part of me that's desperately trying to grasp the thought of me never returning.  Pictures fly through my mind of this past year and all that happened.  It was a dream come true for me and now it's over.  There's no going back.  A new chapter of life is now opening.

Pray for my brothers as they enter a new school [a small school] and face lots of adjustments.  It looks BIG.

To the F.C.S. High School, I hope you have a wonderful year of school & I'm sure God's got amazing things in store for you all this coming year!  The memories we made this past school year are close to our hearts and we could never thank you enough!  The experience at ISC 2014 was the best & I won't soon forget that. [best convention ever] We miss you all more than you can imagine & we pray for you often! Love you guys! <3

& to the Senior Class of 2014, I can't help but think of the moments we sat in the library and tried to plan our graduation [not to mention the color choosing ;)], learned how to operate computer programs & "worked on our Power Points", took group pictures in the snow, racked our brains for words to type into our Writing Assignments the hour before it was due, walked around New York City for a day [& the moment of laughter that followed my ankle being sprained..that was a good moment lol], setting up for Graduation, taking those pictures of us in our purple clothing, standing in a circle and praying before we graduated, getting our diplomas and making an excited statement on the stage [ok. maybe that was me..but whatever..], having the juniors lay hands on us and say a prayer of blessing on our lives, sitting at the table after graduation and trying to grasp the thought of us being DONE with school....& there are many more..You guys are just awesome.  Thank you for making my last year of school AMAZING.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for allowing me to invade your senior class.  Thank you 100 times.  You have no idea how much you all mean to me & how much I miss you guys.  It was a great year!  But now it's time to move on and face new situations in life.  I saw God work in your lives this past year and I KNOW He has beautiful plans in store for your lives.  Keep serving Him & giving Him your all!

Love to all! <3

& I cannot forget to thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings He gave me this past year.  They were overwhelming and completely amazing.  Tears come to my eyes as I look back over the past year and see what all happened.  In some ways it feels like a dream & so far away.  Part of my heart was left behind, but that's ok.  God knew what I would face last year and He knows what's coming my way.  He never leaves & always listens.  There truly is nothing better than a relationship with the Creator of the Universe, the Father who chose me to be His daughter. <3

Goodnight world.

& So long..til next time...